The Letter

Viktor's letter, addressed to Jayce: "I am writing this down because I am not always able to express myself verbally, and this is not something I wish to leave to chance in case I freeze up again. If the words do not come—knowing that everything depends on your next words, on getting them right—it is just not always something I can do. This is my backup. I know I keep running away, and that is the most hurtful thing I could possibly do to you. It is an area of immense shame for me. You have offered me so much grace despite it. I am not used to people understanding, but you always have. I am so sorry that I have hurt you. In all the ways I know you feared most. For not being there when you needed me. For getting wrapped up in my own melodrama when I should have been checking in on you, showing up for you, as you have for me. You have never let me down, and I cannot say the same for myself. And still, while I was putting you through hell, you still came to my aid. You are an incredible man, Jayce Talis. You prove that every day. I am still confused. I have not parsed my feelings. And I think part of it is fear. I have lost everyone important in my life, and given our line of work, it is more likely than average that I could lose you too. Perhaps it is a bit of self-preservation that has kept me from coming around to the idea of loving someone again. But I do not want to run anymore. To hide, to avoid. That only hurts me, and it hurts you. So I am not going to do that anymore, as difficult as it is. What I am going to do is tell you how I feel about you—the things I do have words for. You are the most important person in my life. When I thought you were gone, I could see no future for myself. When you are near, I feel like an orbiting moon. I could listen to you talk about the things you love for hours. You have the biggest heart, and you give so freely. I adore every single part of you. Maybe that is love. I do not yet know for certain. But if you will still have me, regardless, in any capacity—if I have not yet fully burned this bridge, if you are willing to take another chance with your heart on me—I am not running away anymore. I want this. I want you. Everything you are. Every part. And perhaps, like Apollo and Hyacinth, there can be beauty born from this pain. Where I have faltered, where I have hurt, I hope that together we can make something bloom again."